If your child is securely attached, he or she will be more socially competent and will have fewer problems. As a parent, have you been securely attached to your own parents? If this is the case, you are probably well equipped to offer your child a safe and secure attachment. But how do you know if the attachment in your family is secure? Studies show that one-third of children are insecurely attached. Let’s talk about these things. How can you tell if your child’s attachment is secure, or maybe not quite right? Let’s give our children the very best and do everything in our power to prevent unnecessary problems later in their lives!
Why You Want Your Child to Be Securely Attached
A secure attachment is a basic need for your child.
It fosters:
- Self-confidence
- Resilience
- Social-emotional health
- Healthy relationships
It sounds like a big deal, but the way your child forms a secure attachment with you as a parent shapes who they become in their relationships with others.
Okay, I guess it IS a big deal 😊
That is why it’s good to talk about!
As parents, we love our children (or maybe you’re thinking about other children in your surroundings), and we need to make sure that their needs are met.
Not only their needs, but even their international rights !
Thanks to you as a parent, grandparent, or another adult who is closely involved in a child’s life (i.e., attachment figure), a child learns how to deal with life.
It’s crucial for kids to have someone with who they can safely practice understanding the connection between their own actions and the actions of others. Without this guidance, they may develop unhealthy patterns in their brains, which can cause a lot of trouble later on…
The quality of the attachment relationship between a parent and a child is shown to have a greater influence on behavioral and/or emotional problems than any other environmental factor!
As a parent, you (hopefully) want your child to be securely attached. If not, please email us, and we will pray with you 😉
What Is Secure Attachment?
Babies and young children are completely dependent on an attachment figure for the fulfilment of their needs and to help them manage their emotions.
When young children seek closeness with their caregiver, it is important that they experience being met in that need, as it helps reduce their stress.
Through this closeness children seek with their parents or caregivers, an attachment relationship is formed.
As children grow into adults, they will continue to look for attachment relationships with others to fulfill their emotional needs for support and connection—we all do it! This is simply part of being human 😊
If you have a secure attachment with your parents, they are a safe haven for you. From this place, you confidently explore the world.
How Can I Create a Secure Attachment with My Child?
Even if you feel you’re already doing these things, take a moment to reflect on this in depth. Consider whether there are children in your life who might be missing this kind of connection. Maybe kids that are not your own.
Could you step in and be a source of support and stability for them as an attachment figure?
Sensitive Response
When your child is upset, it’s important that you show empathy for your child’s pain. You hold them in your arms and comfort them. This may sound obvious, but many children lack this secure foundation.
Maybe you are struggling to respond sensitively to your child.
It can be because of other issues you’re facing like problems at work, going through problems in your marriage, or any other crisis.
Even if it’s difficult, try to approach your child positively, give compliments, and respond when your child seeks closeness.
Be Stable and Reliable
It’s important that you, as a parent, provide consistency. Kids naturally choose a few special adults they feel close to and trust.
These adults should stay consistently present in their lives.
It’s important that your child doesn’t face too many changes in this, as this can disrupt their sense of safety and make it harder to build a secure attachment.
Stability and reliability are key!
Explain To Your Child What Is Happening
Imagine being in your child’s place and explain what’s happening to them. For example, if your child is crying because they stepped on a piece of Lego, they might feel a lot of pain and confusion at first, not knowing exactly what’s going on.
The same idea applies to bigger problems, like if their dad has to be away for a long time or if a friend hurts them. It’s important to explain why these things are happening or might have happened.
As a parent, you help them feel safe by explaining the situation. This way, they understand what’s happening, feel less confused and feel supported while dealing with their pain.
“Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer.” – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
How to Spot Attachment Problems?
If a child grows up without consistent love and care from a parent or caregiver during their early years (especially before age five), they are more likely to develop attachment problems.
This lack of love can cause the child to build a basic sense of mistrust toward others, making it hard for them to form healthy, safe relationships.
The child hasn’t learned what it feels like to feel safe with someone, which can lead to behaviors that might seem confusing or hard to understand. Here are some examples:
- Easily trusting or going along with strangers
- Not wanting to be comforted or hugged
- Showing little or no emotion
- Being very resistant or overly obedient
- Having intense emotional outbursts or sudden mood changes
- Trying to take control away from parents or caregivers
- Engaging in risky behavior or endangering themselves
Attachment problems are more likely to happen in situations where parents or children have mental health issues, intellectual disabilities, autism, or very challenging temperaments.
Severe disruptions in the bond between you and your child, like long separations or inconsistent care, can also lead to attachment problems.
Am I Securely Attached as a Parent?
Perhaps you’re wondering about this as you read the article. Parents who struggle with their own insecure attachment may find it challenging to build a secure bond with their child. After all, how can you teach something you’ve never fully experienced yourself?
Below are different types of attachment styles to help you assess whether you and/or your child may have a secure or insecure attachment.
Types of Attachment
- Insecure-Avoidant Attachment
Children with this attachment style have often faced rejection, detachment, or a lack of sensitivity from their parent or caregiver. As a result, they avoid seeking closeness with their caregiver and become independent at an early age. - Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment
These children are, so to say, overly attached to their parent or caregiver. They frequently seek closeness and struggle to do things independently. They become anxious when the caregiver is absent and often react with anger or frustration when the caregiver returns. This behavior is usually due to caregivers who are inconsistently sensitive or unpredictable, often unavailable during critical moments. - Disorganized Attachment
Children with this attachment style display a mix of behaviors seen in the two attachment styles I mentioned earlier. They seek closeness with their caregiver, but this also causes them stress or fear. Their caregiver is often inconsistent and unpredictable, and in many cases, the child has experienced trauma. - Securely Attached Children
These children maintain a good balance between exploring their environment and staying connected to their parent or caregiver. They feel anxious when their caregiver is out of sight but actively seek closeness when they return. Once reassured, they confidently return to their activities. Parents of securely attached children are typically sensitive, responsive, and approachable. They provide a stable foundation for their child to grow.
Secure Attachment and Romantic Situations
According to the attachment theory, we are often “programmed” to act in ways shaped by our early experiences, especially in romantic situations.
“Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into your partner if you are already in a relationship.” – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
My Own Insecure-Avoidant Attachment with My Mother
As a child, my relationship with my mother was marked by instability. She had suffered a devastating loss, losing her entire family in the 1994 genocide in Rwanda. At that point I was 2 years old. Understandably, she struggled with her own emotional well-being, which made her emotionally unavailable and quick to anger.
I tried hard to make her happy, but no matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. She often criticized me, and one memory stands out clearly.
During one of her outbursts, she mentioned how people said she was “as mean as a witch.” To prove a point, she briefly pretended to be sweet and sensitive, mimicking what she believed “soft” mothers were like. For those few moments, I felt a deep sense of relief and hope—my shoulders relaxed, and my heart felt lighter. But then she snapped back into her rant, and the brief moment of tenderness disappeared. I wished so badly she could always be that softer, more loving version of herself.
As I grew older, I stopped seeking her approval or emotional connection. I learned to tolerate her and kept my distance when I could. People often commented on how independent I was for my age, but deep down, I knew this independence came from a place of survival.
When I was 19, my mother passed away. Looking back, I can clearly see that my attachment to her was insecure-avoidant.
How My Attachment Showed Up in My Relationship with Mat
When I started dating Mat, everything seemed perfect at first. But as our relationship grew more serious, I became overwhelmed with fear. The idea of committing terrified me.
I worried he might suddenly reject me, even though I knew he genuinely wanted to be with me. At the same time, I feared that something might happen to him, and the thought of opening my heart to that potential pain made me want to protect myself.
I convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone. I told myself I had always survived on my own and didn’t need to change that. Deep down, though, I knew I was lying to myself.
Thankfully, I had a secure attachment figure in my father, who had always been a stable and supportive presence in my life. Mat’s kindness, patience, and faith also played a big role. He remained consistent and loving, which, combined with God’s guidance, gave me the courage to open my heart to him.
Eventually, I took the leap and allowed myself to trust Mat. Five months later, we got married, and now, 8 years later, we’re still happily married. I’m so glad I didn’t let my fears stop me. No regrets! 😊
Reflecting on Your Attachment Style
How did you handle your relationship with your spouse when you were dating? Do you remember how you felt? What does this reveal about your own attachment style?
9 Signs of Secure Attachment Between You and Your Child
Here are some signs that testify of a strong and safe relationship between you and your child. If you notice these in both you and your child, it means that there is a secure connection!
1. Forming Intimate Relationships
Child: Your child prefers to be close to you over others, when they need comfort. They know it’s okay to be themselves and share how they really feel with you.
You: You know who you can trust with your vulnerability, whether it’s a spouse or close friends. You feel safe opening up and being yourself.
2. Confidence to Try New Things
Child: Your child feels free to explore because they know they can always return to you. They are not afraid to leave because they know they’re always welcome back. They know you will reassure and support them.
You: As an adult, you’re willing to take risks because you know that, if something goes wrong, it will be okay. You’ve learned to cope with uncertainty because you know you’re safe, having people who will support you no matter what.
3. Constructive Communication
Child: Your child is confident enough to express their feelings because they trust you to listen. They believe their feelings and needs matter, so they’re willing to express themselves without fear of judgment.
Adult: You’re skilled at listening to others and expressing your expectations, building healthy and open communication in your relationships. You can set aside your own opinions or needs to empathize with others. You respond effectively to your partner’s needs without resorting to protest behavior.
4. Respecting Boundaries
Child: Your child respects others’ boundaries because they’ve seen you respect theirs. They are considerate of siblings, friends, and family. They can empathize with them.
Adult: You believe everyone’s feelings and boundaries matter, because you’ve experienced that yourself. You respect your own boundaries too. You’re not afraid that your relationship will suffer under this, and if it does, you’re fine with that.
5. Realistic Expectations
Child: Your child knows it’s okay to make mistakes and that this is part of life. He or she doesn’t dismiss others when they make a mistake. They are patient and loving in their relationships. This is because important figures in their life have been patient and loving with them.
Adult: You’re understanding when others make mistakes, and you don’t expect others to completely solve your problems. You understand your own responsibility in this and you’re willing to work through challenges in relationships without expecting perfection.
6. Handling Tough Emotions
Child: Your child doesn’t feel overwhelmed in disagreements or stressful moments because they trust that the relationship can handle it. Your son or daughter knows how to calm and reassure themselves that things will get better.
Adult: You know how to handle stress, conflicts, and turbulent situations or periods. You know that these moments don’t define your self-worth or the value of the relationship. You experienced as a child that negative emotions like crying or frustration were allowed. You’ve learned emotions are manageable because you were comforted and guided as a child.
7. Being Okay with Feedback
Child: Your securely attached child is confident enough not to take offense when receiving constructive criticism. They can separate their behavior from their identity. Because they have been guided lovingly and constructively, they know people mean well. If someone’s intentions turn out to be negative, your child attributes that negativity to the other person’s character, not their own.
Adult: You reflect on feedback or criticism and use it to grow without taking it personally. Even when someone is rude, you can separate their criticism from your identity. You recognize that feedback can be beneficial and are willing to engage with it when it’s for the greater good.
8. Value Independence of Others
Child: Your child is fine when you occasionally do your own thing and doesn’t feel threatened by it. They know you’ll always come back to them when you’re done, and they feel safe in that.
Adult: You’re not afraid to give your spouse space to pursue their own hobbies or do things independently without you. You’re not worried they’ll abandon you or that your bond will be threatened. You feel secure in your relationship.
9. Being Honest and Real
Child: Your child is honest about their feelings toward you because they know their feelings are safe with you. They are open about their failures, their mistakes and their insecurities. They come to you hoping that you will say or do something to make them feel better.
Adult: You don’t play manipulating games with your spouse. You prefer open, honest conversations because you trust that healthy confrontation won’t push others away. This is because you’re not afraid that any negative information will make the other person leave you. You believe transparency builds trust.
Final Thoughts
I hope reading this has helped you understand better what secure attachment looks like.
Does it resonate with your own experiences, either as a child or as a parent?
Looking at the list above, do you miss a few signs? Know that it is not too late to make improvements!
For practical tips on repairing family bonds when dealing with attachment challenges, you can read this article.
In any case, try to reduce stressful environmental factors so you have more time and energy to respond sensitively to your God-given child. Talk about it with people you trust, or seek professional help if needed.
Let’s make sure we keep building strong relationships so the kids in our lives can grow up to be confident, resilient, and great at making friends!
Thanks for reading 😊
* Madigan, S., Brumariu, L. E., Villani, V., Atkinson, L., & Lyons-Ruth, K. (2016). Representational and questionnaire measures of attachment: A meta-analysis of relations to child internalizing and externalizing problems. Psychological Bulletin, 142(4), 367–399. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000029
Bandura, A. (1969). Social-learning theory of identificatory processes. Retrieved from https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/43540100/Bandura1969HSTR-libre.pdf?1457523504=&response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DBanduras_theory.pdf
This was such an enjoyable read—it made the topic easy to
understand! The site’s quality and attention to detail are impressive.
Great to hear Caleb, hope it blesses you and your family!